Saturday, April 15, 2006

i love you, you're perfect, now change - andrew

i just ate at santanas.

it is a mexican joint a few blocks away from my house.

last time i ate there i promised not to go back. i had eaten with a lady friend with whom i was at the time infatuated. she was unable to finish her dinner and i offered to take some of the weight off her shoulders by relieving her platter of a few choice items.

i put the food in my mouth, chewed, and swallowed. seconds later, as the food touched the inner lining of my personal self - something strange began to happen.

my mouth instantly became moist with an overabundance of saliva, my entire body heated a tenth of a degree, and i was minorly dizzy. my throat felt very sensative and as feelings reached my brain, the stomach was starting to uneat that which was already eaten.

in short, i managed to keep down the food at the cost of quality conversation and extreme concentration - this was the kind of concentration you use to not sh_t yourself on a plane as the fasten your seatbelt sign remains, or the concentration that forces itself on your memory after a cute girl gives you her number at a club when you're drunk, or the concentration that is required when you have one blinking heart left and ganon is just one arrow away from handing you the virgin princess.

i then had defeated santanas, but today i was not so fortunate.

as i was speaking with Edgar on the cell phone after ordering my food - a LARGE BUG flew INTO MY MOUTH and RIGHT INTO MY UVULA.

It was like a miniature punch to the mouth hole. i coughed and then inserted my hand, pulling out the soft dilapidated remains of a then crushed Santana Bug. I couldn't believe my eyes, it was the size of one quarter of a postage stamp but with little tendrils and dark floppy wings.

I looked around to see if i had been seen. I was not. This saddened me as i'm sure it would have rivaled the amuzement levels of even america's funniest home videos.

I explained to Edgar - he laughed.

I picked my food up from the counter and left.

this is "santana bug" inspired by the half gram of protein that delivered itself into the maw of a then starving artist - what a selfless decision for such a st_pid _gly m_ther fucker.

¿who's laughing now, Santana Bug?




Shelly Wan said...


OMG That is hilarious!
Sorry, it's awful... *______*

but sooooooooo funny!
i love the journey of reading and holding back to look and then strolling down and seeing the BUG. that was awesome.

weezie said...

Colonic concentration. Awful. Just the worst. I find that undoing the top button of my pants and deep breathing exercises help a lot. If you're on a date, just pass it off as lust. "I'm breathe really breathe hot for breathe you breathe and that's why breathe i'm undoing my breathe pants. pant."

Geo said...

Holy sh*t. You crack me up!!!